


Saint George and the Three Celtic Princesses

by Sitcom_Fan



Series: Derry Girls On Game Shows [1]
Category: Derry Girls (TV), Gavin & Stacey
Genre: Alternate Universe - Reality Show, Blind Date, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-15
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:46:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27033652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sitcom_Fan/pseuds/Sitcom_Fan
Summary: A young English man called James appears on a dating show, Blind Date, with the hope of finding love. He has the choice of three girls and one of them stands out in particular, even though he's not seen her face yet.
Relationships: James Maguire/Erin Quinn
Series: Derry Girls On Game Shows [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2131080
Comments: 8
Kudos: 8





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, Blind Date is an old British game show that was originally broadcast between 1985 and 2003, hosted by the late Cilla Black, who was a singer in the 1960s and was from Liverpool.
> 
> It was revived in 2017, hosted by Paul O'Grady, a comedian.
> 
> Just another silly AU idea I had, with a cameo from Stacey West (of Gavin and Stacey).
> 
> Enjoy!

Scene 1

  


Blind Date TV Studio

  


Characters

  


Graham (voiceover)

Cilla Black (host)

James (chooser)

Stacey (contestant)

Isla (contestant)

Erin (contestant)

Audience in the background

  


Opening credits play

  


GRAHAM

  


Please welcome your host, Miss Cilla Black!

  


Enter CILLA

  


CILLA 

  


Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to Blind Date! On tonight’s show, we’ll be finding out Paul and Nicola got on with their date to the go-karting centre in Swindon and whether romance blossomed between Sharon and Duncan on their date to the somewhat more exotic destination of Thailand. But first of all, we’ve got three Celtic princesses locked in a castle, waiting to be rescued by St George!

  


Enter STACEY, ISLA and ERIN. 

  


They enter the studio and all take their places on a stool. CILLA walks over to STACEY.

  


CILLA

  


So, number one, what’s your name and where do you come from?

  


STACEY

  
My name’s Stacey and I’m from Barry in South Wales!

  


Audience cheer

  


CILLA

  


As in Barry Island? What do you do there?

  


STACEY

  


Yes, that’s right, Barry Island’s cracking it is and my friend Nessa actually works there. I’m an accounts receivable clerk at an electronics company.

  


  


CILLA

  


Welcome Stacey from Barry!

  


Walks over to ISLA

  


Number two, what’s your name and where do you come from?

  


ISLA

  


My name’s Isla and I’m from Stirling in Scotland!

  


Audience cheer.

  


CILLA

  


Lovely, I love Scotland! What do you in Stirling?

  


ISLA

  


I’m an instructor at an outdoor activity centre so I teach children to abseil and built shelters out of twigs, that sort of thing.

  


CILLA

  


Excellent! And number three, what’s your name and where are you from?

  


ERIN

  


I’m Erin and I live in Liverpool but I’m originally from Derry!

  


CILLA

  


Lovely to meet you, Erin from Derry! And as a scouser, a belated welcome to Liverpool! What do you do in the best city on earth?

  


Audience laugh

  


  


ERIN

I recently completed my PhD and I now lecture in Irish literature at the university.

  


CILLA

  


Well, ladies and gentlemen, we have a clever clogs on our hands! Anyway, one of our Celtic princesses will be rescued this evening by our resident Saint George, who appropriately enough, is English. Please welcome James from London!

  


CILLA walks over to the other side of the studio as JAMES enters. A partition rolls forward so that James cannot see the three contestants. Cilla and James kiss on each cheek and James sits down.

  


Hello, James! Lovely to meet you! You’re looking very handsome tonight - you’re gonna make one of those girls very lucky!

  


JAMES

  


The pleasure is all mine, Miss Black. You look stunning yourself.

  


CILLA

  


No, love, you’re supposed to flirt with the girls behind the screen, not me! You’d better keep your guard up, girls, because this young man’s charm is dangerous!

  


Audience laugh

  


So James, what do you do for a living and what brings you to Blind Date?

  


JAMES

  


Well, Cilla, I’m a civil servant by profession. It was my mum’s suggestion to apply to this show because, and I quote, “It’s a tragedy that my big handsome boy still doesn’t have a nice girl by his side!” so I thought, why not?

  


CILLA

  


I must say, James, I agree with your mother! She must be a wise woman!

  


JAMES

  


She definitely is, Cilla. She raised me on her own and set up her own business. She’s a typically strong, independent Irish woman!

  


CILLA

  


Well, girls, he respects his mother so let’s hope he extends that respect to you! So, James, please kick it off with the questions!

  


JAMES

  


If we were to visit your hometown, where would you take me? To number one, please.

  


STACEY

  


Well, that’s an easy one. We’d have to go to Barry Island because it’s absolutely lush! We’d have fish and chips on the beach and take a ride on the merry go round. Let’s just say that the circular motion wouldn’t end there!

  


AUDIENCE

  


Oooh!

  


JAMES

  


Same question to number two!

  


ISLA

  


I’m a big outdoors enthusiast, so I’d have to take you walking in the Scottish Highlands so that we can take our love to new heights!

  


AUDIENCE

  


Oooh!

  


JAMES

  


And number three please!

  


ERIN

  


My home town is known as the maiden city because its walls have never been breached, but this maiden’s walls are dying to be breached!

  


CILLA

  


Well, those are all interesting answers! 

  


JAMES

  


I wasn’t expecting them to be that creative, to be honest! My next question is: what is important to you in a relationship? That’s for number two, please.

  


ISLA

  


As a keen walker, I need a man who is at one with nature and comfortable in the great outdoors. I can guarantee that there will be plenty of adventures if you pick me - of every variety you can imagine.

  


AUDIENCE

  


Oooh!

  


JAMES

  


Same question to number one!

  


STACEY

  


I need a man who can acclimatise my lush home town of Barry and appreciate all the charms that come with living in South Wales. Learning Welsh is not compulsory but there’s nothing like the beautiful Welsh language to add an extra dimension to a blossoming romance.

  


JAMES

  


And number three please.

  


ERIN

  


As an academic, I really value an intellectual connection. I reward hard work in my professional and my personal life, but it’s really important to play hard too. The harder, the better.

  


CILLA

  


Blimey, they’re not making it easy for you, are they, James?

  


JAMES

  


Not remotely, Cilla! Final question: tell me about something naughty you’ve done. Number one, please.

  


STACEY

  


Well, as a Welsh girl, I can’t get enough of rugby, so I once sneaked into a match at the Millennium Stadium with my friend, Nessa. What can I say? I just love a bit of a rough and tumble I do.

  


AUDIENCE

  


Oooh!

  


JAMES

  


And number two, please.

  


ISLA

  


I once forgot to pay for a box of Tunnocks’ teacakes. The truth is, I love marshmallow and if I can find one in human form then I will be one happy girl!

  


AUDIENCE

  


Ooh!

  


JAMES

  


And finally, number three!

  


ERIN

  


There isn’t time to tell you about all the antics my friends and have gotten up to over the years and I’m not sure I can mention them on national television. But let me just say that we once made the front page of the local paper and not for the right reason. Put it this way, I’ve got a proven track record as a bad girl and I want to maintain that reputation. If you want to help me do that, the magic number is three!

  


AUDIENCE

  


Oooh!

  


CILLA

  


Well, I think it’s fair to say this young man has a tough decision to make! But to help him, let’s give him a reminder of the three Celtic princesses! Over to you, our Graham!

  


GRAHAM

  


First up is number one. She’ll spin you around, Welsh style - but don’t forget your dictionary!

  


Or will it be number two? With adventures of all kinds at every altitude, such versatility is hard to find!

  


Or will it be number three? The Irish girl who’s desperate to be conquered, who knows the value of playing hard and sees no shame in an unspecified type of bad behaviour!

  


James, the decision is yours!

  


JAMES

Cilla, I choose number three!

Audience cheer.

  


CILLA

  


Ok! Well first of all, let’s meet the girls you turned down! Meet number one, Stacey from Barry and number two, Isla from Stirling!

  


Isla and Stacey both walk over to the partition, which rolls back. They each exchange a brief hello and kiss with James then leave. The partition rolls forward.

  


Exit ISLA and STACEY

  


CILLA

  


And now it’s time to meet your date for tonight: Erin, from Derry!

  


Erin walks over to the partition which rolls back and she exchanges a hug and kiss with James.

  


CILLA

  


So, first impressions?

  


ERIN

  


Love his curly hair.

  


JAMES

  


Love her eyes.

  


CILLA

  


Promising start! So, which of you is going to choose the date?

  


JAMES

  


I feel the lady should choose.

  


CILLA

  


Well, Erin, what are you waiting for?

  


Cilla holds out three cards and Erin picks one and reads it out.

  


ERIN

  


A date in Northern Ireland!

  


CILLA

  


A date in Northern Ireland! I hope you’re not too disappointed!

  


ERIN

  


Not at all, I can be a guide!

  


JAMES

  


Nothing beats a bit of local perspective!

  


CILLA

  


Your date will consist of a visit to the Titanic exhibition in Belfast, a walk through the beautiful Antrim Glens with a stop at the Giant’s Causeway. Not forgetting a trip to the historic walled city of Derry! 

  


Well, James and Erin, you enjoy your date! 

  


Ladies and gentleman, James and Erin!

  


James and Erin leave the studio, holding hands.

  


Exit JAMES and ERIN.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James and Erin return to the show after their date. Some other guests appear too.

Scene 2: Blind Date Studio

CILLA

Hello, and welcome back to Blind Date! Next up on the show, we find out how James from London and Erin from Derry got on during their date to Northern Ireland. Let’s welcome them back to the studio!

Enter James and Erin, who walk into the studio holding hands and sit down on the sofa.

CILLA

So welcome back to you both. Now last week, we sent you to Northern Ireland on a date so let’s see how it went.

*Video footage of James and Erin’s date plays. They have a good time and get on very well.*

CILLA

And now let’s find out what they thought of each other!

*Erin and James both cringe*

*Video of James sitting on a sofa, alone*

JAMES

The main reason I chose Erin was that she gave me the best answers. When the screen went back, I immediately noticed her striking eyes and gorgeous hair and to be honest, I had to do a double-take! But in any case, I was attracted to her immediately and I was keen to get to know her better. When we started to talk on our first night away, I learned that Erin’s very passionate about her work and it was really interesting to hear how she enjoys teaching the poetry of Heaney to her undergraduate students. I really liked how animated she gets when talking about something she’s interested in or knows a lot about and I have to say there was never a dull moment! The fact that Erin’s from Derry made the date extra special and added a personal touch which I really liked. I can sense that Erin’s very family-orientated, which I always think is a nice quality.

*Video of Erin sitting on a sofa, alone*

ERIN

When the screen went back, I thought James had a rather sweet and innocent air about him and I was a bit unsure about that because he’s so different to the lads I’ve been with before but I realised that’s not a bad thing and that I should be open-minded and not let my previous relationships influence my initial impressions of James. When we met up again, James bought me flowers, which was really sweet. He wanted to know all about my job and my life growing up in Derry and was a very good listener - very receptive. I found it quite adorable how fascinated he was - bless the wee fella. My only reservation is that he’s very into Doctor Who but I think I can look past that because he’s a lovely, sweet, charming and genuine guy and I would love to get to know him better.

*Back to studio*

CILLA

Well, it looks like the start of something very special here! Now, tell the audience what else you two learned about each other.

JAMES

I’ll let you tell them, Erin.

ERIN

James’s ma is from Derry and knew my ma back in the day, and one of my best friends is James’s cousin!

AUDIENCE

Ooh!

JAMES

What are the chances?

CILLA

Indeed! Erin, I understand that you introduced your family to James when you went to Derry! As James said, you’re very family orientated so we decided to invite your family onto this show. They join us now via video link from Derry!

*Screen lights up and MARY, GERRY, JOE and SARAH appear, sitting on the sofa in Derry*

CILLA

Ladies and gentleman, please welcome Erin’s family: mum Mary, dad Gerry, granddad Joe and aunt Sarah!

AUDIENCE 

Hello!

MARY, GERRY, JOE and SARAH

Hello!

CILLA

And we also have James’s mother Kathy and cousin Michelle - welcome, ladies!

Enter MICHELLE and KATHY. They sit down on the sofa next to James and Erin.

CILLA

I must say, this has become quite a gathering.

Audience laugh

CILLA

So, Mary, Gerry, Joe and Sarah, it’s lovely to meet you all. Tell us what you made of James.

MARY

I thought he was a very polite young fella and he was very respectful, which is very important. The way he called me Mrs Quinn was a bit formal which I’m not used to but I appreciated his manners and he took a keen interest in our family and made a really good effort to get to know us.

GERRY

I agree with Mary. He was a very nice lad, very easy-going and a great guest. Nothing to criticise, really.

JOE

I was naturally suspicious on account of the English thing but, and I hate to agree with my son-in-law, he seemed like a decent fella though if he hurts our Erin he’ll regret it!

MARY

Cut that out, Da! We’re on television!

JOE

Exactly! The viewers need to know that this young fella needs to know he has to treat our Erin right!

CILLA

Ok, thank you, Joe! Sarah, care to share your thoughts?

SARAH

Cilla! How bout ye? Sure you’re looking well, so you are. That botox is doing wonders for you, so it is. Anyway, sure the wee fella’s nice enough but I’m not convinced that he’s not gay.

GERRY

For crying out loud, Sarah! James is not gay! Being mild-mannered does not mean he’s gay!

CILLA

Ok, thanks for your input! Kathy, do you think your son made the right choice?

KATHY

Oh, absolutely, Cilla! I plan to remind him it was my idea to apply! But seriously, I’m so glad he found a nice girl. Hello, by the way, Mary and Sarah. Long time no see!

MARY

Hello, Kathy.

SARAH

Kathy, your eyebrows are looking cracker, so they are. Cilla, Kathy had the best eyebrows in Derry back in her day, so she did.

CILLA

I have to say, I agree. In thirty-plus years of showbiz, I’ve never seen such stunning eyebrows. James, you were lucky to inherit them!

KATHY

You’re too kind, Cilla! I have to say I’m glad to have reconnected with my old friends from Derry who I’ve not seen for years, so thank you.

CILLA

Not at all, this show is all about bringing people together! Michelle, how do you feel about the idea of your friend and cousin dating?

MICHELLE

I didn’t really know James until now and I have to admit I tease him a lot because he’s so typically English and enjoys going to creep conventions - sorry, Doctor Who nights. But he’s a sound fella and exactly what Erin needs and deserves so I hope it works for them both. It’s also been nice to get to know my aunt and cousin who I didn’t really know before.

CILLA

Well, it sounds like you’ve got ringing endorsements all round! Erin, James, do you see this developing into a serious relationship?

ERIN

Yes, definitely, we’re actually going to Stratford-upon-Avon next weekend!

JAMES

If that goes well, we’ll look into going on a longer trip. I’m very excited about it!

CILLA

Buy a hat, ladies!

SARAH

And buy a nice one this time, Mary!

MARY

Sarah, please!

CILLA

Well, thank you all for coming today and please give a round of applause for James and Erin!

*Audience cheers and applauds*

End Scene

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this little fic, please let me know what you think!

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed it! I'm not experienced with writing scripts so I hope it was easy enough to follow :)


End file.
